Murphy’s Law ~ Yes that’s my life

If it can happen…

I live my life everyday knowing that if it can happen, it will. I’m not rich, I’m not married, I’m not well built, I’m not gorgeous. I’m me, and I am happy to be me, most days LOL I just want to be comfortable and happy. I want a life free of unexpected bumps in the road. You can stop laughing now. I know that’s fantasy, but is it really too much to ask for?

I don’t wanna wonder when I’m gonna hafta put my truck in the shop, I don’t wanna stress over bills, I don’t want baby-momma-drama in my life. Is this unattainable?

Why is it when you are working extremely hard for something that you have to have done, something else comes along and slaps you right in the effin mouth and knocks every tooth in your head sideways? Now not only are you unable to obtain your original goal you have something else kickin you in the balls?? Murphy whoever you are I’d like to mule-kick you right in the throat!

But, no matter my maladies, no matter the crap life shoves in my face whether on a silver platter of stuffed in a rotted pigs head covered in maggot ridden goat cheese, I am healthy, I have my two beautiful daughters, and I have friends who are always there, granted 90% of those friends are 5 trillion miles away in Michigan! LOL

So take that Mr. Murphy! Take that big ball of flaming reality out into the shining sunlight, hold it up high above your head, gaze into it’s ooey gooey warmth, watch it as it rotates slowly in your hands, shine it up real nice then turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass! IF ya Smelllllllllllllllllll……wait, that’s not it, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT…..that’s not right either, FINALLY! THE ROCK HAS COM…..no, no that’s not it either…AHHHH I got it!

JUST BRING IT!

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I Love ‘BOO’

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. The cooler temps, the leaves changing colors, the smells of pumpkin pies, horror flicks, pumpkin pies, haunted houses, pumpkin pies, color tours, pumpkin pies, hayrides, did I mention pumpkin pies? So naturally along with that Halloween is my favorite holiday. (Anyone want to donate a pumpkin pie?)

I love haunted houses and horror flicks! Just something about having the shit scared out of you just reaks of fun! We have SEVERAL really great Haunted Houses here in the Chattanooga area. Among them some of my favorites are:

1. The Haunted Barn
The Barn is a 16 room walk-thru along with a Huge totally dark maze. While you wait for your number to be called to enter the barn, you can sit by the bon fire and sip Hot Chocolate, Fresh Brewed Coffee, Cappuccino, Hot Apple Cider or Coke products and a variety of tasty treats.

2. The Haunted Hilltop
This places has a Fireworks Show on Halloween night, They have a Haunted Hayride which doubles in Christmas time as a “Christmas for Kids” Christmas Hayride “WE HAVE 2 HUGE HAUNTED HOUSES WITH A HAUNTED MAZE INBETWEEN, HAUNTED HAYRIDE THROUGH THE WOODS & A CORNFIELD, BONFIRES, CLASS A CONCESSION STAND, MUSIC, SOUVENIRS, GRAVEYARDS AND MUCH MORE- ALL FOR $18.00”

This one isn’t actually a Haunted House, but it is a Halloween attraction :
3. The Chattanooga Nature Center Festival of The Jack-O-Lanterns This is a more “Family Oriented” attraction for the kiddos! A Wicked Witch tells “scary” stories in the ‘Treehouse’, Bonfire with smores and bluegrass music, games for the kiddies, hayrides thru the nature center, and “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.” movie at the end of the night!

I’ve saved the best for last
4. My friend Daddy Green has a brother, Tim, who along with his partner run Fear Connection they completely took over the Design, Development, Management, Construction and Training for RUBY FALLS HAUNTED CAVERN.

Who knows what delightfully BOOtiful scariness this year will bring?!?! As I said before I LOVE BOO!

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To Cheer, or NOT to Cheer…That is the question!

I’m blessed with beautiful, strong, independant, smart daughters. They get all a few of these traits from me. My eldest, Averie, is a Cheerleader in school. Her Mother is the team’s Coach. Averie has always been enrolled in some kind of outside-of-school activity. Since before she started kindergarten in fact. Whether it be Ballet or Cheerleading or Soccer or Tee-ball.

It has always been Averie’s choice. We (her Mother and I) give her her options. Usually just Ballet and Cheerleading, because we don’t have the time really to fit in more than just one of those two along with Girl Scouts. So for the last 3 yrs she has chosen Cheerleading over Ballet.

Although she says NEXT year she is doing Ballet….cuz her Mother refuses to coach another year ha ha ha!

I wish I could say that Alissa will be able to enjoy the same kind of choose-your-own-adventure lifestyle that her Big Sissy Averie does. But Hagatha her Mother (who professes to be a Mother amongst Mothers) doesn’t believe in Cheerleading, so I am afraid that my sweet baby won’t be afforded the opportunity to Cheer if she so desires. How can you NOT allow a child to partake in a healthy activity that will stimulate comeradery and form sisterly bonds with peers of her own age? It is a close-minded attitude to have and in my opinion not a very good example of being a “good parent”. I’m not promoting Cheerleading here, but rather the OPTION “To Cheer, or NOT to Cheer”.

UT girl Dancing

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Been A While

image

So it’s been a long time since I’ve added a new blog. I figured I better get my butt in gear and drop a few lines haha.

My lil redheaded baby is growing in leaps and bounds! I’m truly upset by this. I want to keep her a baby forever. I know I know every proud parent says this and everyone who is sans kids says “oh geez get over it will ya?” To these people I say just wait. Some day you will be blessed with your own lil ankle biter and you will be repeating my words. Oh yes, you will. Watch and see.

Alissa is closing in on 1 year of age quicker than a west Texas hurricane. And no matter how much I plead with her to stop aging she just looks at me with those angelic eyes and gives me a Loki grin as if to say, “Dear Father I love you, and I know how much you adore my small stature and cherub cheeks, but dear sweet old man you cannot stop time and before you know it I will be walking down the aisle in my million dollar wedding gown. Oh and by the way, can I borrow the car tonight? “

I know it is inevitable that she will grow. But exactly why does it have to go so frickin fast?

I see so much of me in her. My sense of humor, my attitude, my temper. LOL I seriously don’t know WHERE she gets her temper.  (side eye) 

My girls are my life. My happiness and without them I’d be lost.

And the Wind blowssssssssssss……

I’ve never been in a tornado before…til now. If anything ever happens in my life it happens BIG! First tornado…. EF-4! WTF! Couldn’t have been and Ef-0 or EF-1, hell I’d have even taken an EF-2! But no, no….NO! Had to be a FUCKING EF-4! And it couldn’t JUST be an EF-4, it had to be TWO EF-4’s!!! UGH!

TOTO I don’t believe we’re in Kansas anymore! Where’s the fucking Lion, Scarecrow and Tinman? I got plenty of Munchkins! LOL

We're not in Kansas anymore Toto!

 The destruction in Ringgold, Ga is just amazing! Houses…no more, trees…no more, restaurants…what restaurants?!?! We found a streetlight from 5 miles away on our street! Every roof of our apartment buildings had to be replaced, all the windows blown out. Windshields destroyed on vehicles. Some vehicles totaled out. Delivery vans knocked over, semi trailers on their sides. No electricity, no water, gas leaks. Federal Agents in plain clothes walking around with M16 Assault Rifles because apparantly the destruction wasn’t chaos enough that we needed looters too.

So Babygirl was with me riding out the tornado. Little shit Angel slept thru the entire thing! LOL I sat on the couch and Alissa slept in her bed. The lights flickered and I just KNEW that All Hell Was Breakin Loose a tornado was coming. I jumped up and the lights went out, as I ran at break neck speed for the bedroom to scoop up Ali my ears were killing me from the pressure on them. I grabbed lil Shorty-Red and a blanket and bolted for the bathroom, 5 Freight Trains rode down my street as we huddled with me leaning over her in my arms. I can remember thinking to myself, “Just don’t let Ali go, Just don’t let go of her!” I’ve never been more terrified in my life than I was that night. I get a phone call to come outside and see what happened. I couldnt move, I didnt want to leave the tub. Eventually I drug my ass out and looked out my door. It looked like Armeggedon struck. So after getting my baby out of the area of destruction ( I sent her home with her Mother instead of keeping her that night) I walked back home (unable to drive, roads blocked) to survey the damage. Water began pouring through the light fixture in my bedroom, which resembled this…

Yeah I dont think 1pot can hold this much water!

 in a matter of seconds, my brand new queen bed was waterlogged. Flooring soaked, ceiling bowed in, pictures fell of the wall, truck has minor scratches, windows are broken, no power or water, gas leak next door, power lines down EVERYWHERE! And thru all this madness in the crook of the downpipe of my gutter, a bird’s nest still sat, with momma bird and eggs intact!

Amazing what a tornado chooses to destroy and not to destroy

 Looking at this Bird’s nest, I thanked God right then and there for watching over me and my babybird as we lay huddled in our nest tub.

I posted pictures on my Facebook page of the destruction. If you are my FB friend just look at my photos, if you are not, send me a friend request. www.facebook.com/sqwerchy or search for me, Jack Burdette Cutler Jr. There are also many videos on youtube just search for Ringgold Georgia Tornado.

Been a while….

Ok so it has been a little while since I have posted something on here…

Been a lot happening… Firstly Baby Momma Drama…UGH! I won’t go into that other than to say that it is hell trying to get my Baby Girl on my assigned days, every pickup is a week long fight.

I’m moving into a new apartment! YAY! I’m pretty excited about this, nicer place, bigger it seems, and WAY less hurt on my wallet! Gotta say thanks to my buddy Ransom for turning me on to this place! Although it is further away from my oldest daughter Averie, her mom and I meet halfway, it is closer to my youngest daughter Alissa, who’s mom decides she wants me to do all the driving. LOL

So as you can see I have been a little busy. I will however endeaver to be more punctual with my blogs.

So on a different note Alissa is growing in leaps and bounds, she is now 5 months soon to be 6 months and is playing with her toys now, her hand/eye coordination is amazingly great. She talks constantly! LOL well cooing and oohing and ahhing but I understand what she is saying… the conversation goes a lot like this:

ALI: gooooahhhhhhh, oohh, eeeee, mmmmm heeeeeee

ME: Yes sweetheart that is your teddy bear!

ALI: buhhhh mmmmeee oooooooh daaaa

ME: Awww I love you too Shorty-Red

ALI: (gurgle)

ME: Ok babygirl lemme get your bottle and the sweet taters and afterwards I will tell you a story and sing you to sleep

And that is pretty much how it goes. 🙂 She is growing too fast, I remember how when she was born I could hold her in one hand almost lol. Now she is a hefty lil sweetie hehehe I like chubbly babies. Yes I said chubbly, it’s my word and I’ll use it how I want.

Averie is the best big sister. She always asks if I will have Ali and if she can hold, feed, change poopy diapers. LOL She loves her baby sister like no other, I can only hope they grow up to be the best of friends.

Sisterly Love

Sisterly Love

                                                       (This is not my girls LOL)

Anyway, keep checking back, more to come. In upcoming blogs you will see my move into my new apartment. 🙂

-Big Daddy Cutler

Dumb and Dumber…

So my truck breaks down and I hafta leave it in the parking lot at work. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with it. I have one of the maintenance guys look at it and he can’t figure out what the problem is either. The issue was this…

Open the door and the cab light comes on, power right? WRONG lol As soon as I turn the key to the “ON” position the power cuts out, I’m saying as if the battery was dead, NO POWER. Wiggle or move the negative battery cable just right and the cab light comes back on! YIPPEE we got power! WRONG AGAIN! Turn the key to the “ON” position and CLICK! Out goes the power! UGH! I heard anything from starter, to starter solenoid, to starter relays, you name it I heard it! So I get a bright idea! TING! GOOGLE IT! And I did! Turns out I am not the only one that has had this problem. As it so happens the issue is the BATTERY CABLE! (Or so I would be led to believe)

YAY! Now I know my problem and the solution is clear! Go pick up a new battery cable and go put it on the truck……only I’m stuck up on the mountain with no way to the auto parts store, or to my truck! Quick! Think think think! MY BROTHER! So I send a quick text to my brother, who replies he has no gas to get to me, or to my truck, let alone a stop at the auto parts store. DAMN! Now what?!?! I need to get this truck fixed so I can get my fat ass to work! I already missed out on seeing my little girls for 1 day!

As I am racking my brain to figure this out a thought strikes me….GREEN! He lives basically at the foot of the mountain! And since I know he is the nicest guy in the freakin world, and would never tell anyone in need No! Hahaha I called him up. The conversation went a lil sumpin like this:

Me: Hey Brotha, are you busy today or can you help me out with a huge issue?

Josh: What’s up Brother?

Me: I gotta get to the Autozone to pick up a battery cable and get to my truck to fix it so I can get to work on friday. My brother was supposed to help me out but bailed on me last second.

Josh: I gotta take Rose to a doctor’s appt this afternoon.

Me: That’s cool, no problem man I will figure it out, She ok?

Josh: Yeah just wanna get her checked out, tell ya what I think I can get ya there before I hafta be at her Dr. I will get her packed up and come get you.

The conversation goes on a lil bit with thank yous and no problems and such, and ends with Josh sayin I will call you when I head up the mountain. Well I decide to go ahead and head out to meet Josh, he calls me  when I am about half a mile down the road and I give him directions to where I am at. Soon after he pulls up and I get in. I again tell him thanks and the first thing I get from him is a wisecrack about having to come get my sorry self to run me around. HAHAHA! He cracks me up with some of the crazy shit he says, and is so dead pan about it that if you dont know him you would think he was serious. (In my head I hear him saying ‘I am serious’ LOL) The radio is on and Rose is in the backseat gooing and humming and we take off to find the auto parts store. Now the Store Finder on Autozone.com stated the nearest store was 7601 Standifer Gap Rd. Our workplace is 7609 Standifer Gap Rd. Can’t miss it right?

45 minutes later and 20 miles outta the way (I hear banjos as I roll down the window) we finally decide to go to E. Brainerd Rd. which is not far from our work because we know there is an auto parts store there. Driving down the road I tell Josh, “You better get in this lane, cuz it is on this side.” 5 minutes of cussin out jackholes who won’t let him over, we make it to the right lane. 1/2 mile down the road he starts chuckling to himself and points to the autozone. ON THE LEFT SIDE of the road. (We had already passed O’reilly’s Auto Parts because I think they are too expensive) So back to the LEFT LANE we go, this time fairly easy. BUT Josh overshoots the driveway entrance and decides to go across two lanes to the Advance Auto Parts store exactly opposite the Autozone. So back again we go to the right side of the street. This whole time Rose is being so good in the backseat as we traipse around all of Chattanooga lookin for that damned Autozone. I get the part Josh drops me off at work with a “Hope that fixes your problem, I would hate for you to be stranded!” LMAO

Well the battery cable did the trick (SO FAR) and Josh and Rose had a good rest of the day. I picked up my baby the next morning and had a blast with her. And made it to work on Friday!

Josh when you read this, keep in mind while I portrayed us both as retards LOL I love ya like a brother, you were there when my own brother was not! I can’t and won’t forget that! Thanks from the heart of my bottom!!  🙂